Learn about three communication styles: passive, aggressive, and assertive.
Passive
In passive behavior, the focus is on others, not on what you want or need. Passiveness often comes from feelings of insecurity, needing approval, perfectionism, wanting to be liked, and excessively putting the needs of others before your own. Passive behavior means giving in, avoiding, and not expressing your feelings. By being passive, you can disrespect yourself.
- Body language: no eye contact, not facing the person
- Voice: soft spoken, inaudible, uncertain, weak tone
- Words: apologetic, “Ok, I’ll do what you want.”
Aggressive
The goal of aggressive behavior is to show power. Yelling, put downs, and physical violence are part of aggression. By showing aggression, you can disrespect others.
- Body Language: getting too close to the person (in their face), shaking a fist, or pointing a finger
- Voice: shouting, bullying tone, teasing tone
- Words: sarcastic, rude, empty threats, focusing on the person instead of the problem; “You’re stupid.” “Well, aren’t you smart.” “You better stop or I’ll make sure you never have another playdate.”
Assertive
In assertive behavior, the goal is clear and respectful communication focusing on what you want or need. Being assertive fosters respect for both yourself and others. This is because you are able to respect the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of others while simultaneously defending your own right to have opposing thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. When addressing behaviors that cross your boundaries or are inappropriate, assertiveness skills allow you to take positive action to improve a situation while addressing behaviors, not the worth of the person. As Becky Bailey (2000) explains, “Being respectful means focusing on improving behavior rather than on getting children to feel bad about their actions.”
- Body Language: stand tall with shoulders back and look at the person you’re talking to; in control of your body.
- Voice: calm, firm, clear, confident tone
- Words: speaks about problems or situations, not people; speaks up for themselves and others, set clear boundaries: “I would like you to stop pushing me.”
Read more about assertive behavior here and here.
We recommend this children’s book for talking about assertiveness with your child: The Mouse, the Monster, and Me by P. Palmer and S. Rama Amazon Affiliate Link
References
- Bailey, B. A. (2000). Conscious discipline: 7 basic skills for brain smart classroom management. Orlando: Loving Guidance, Inc.
- Davies, L. (2007). Assertiveness training for children. Bend, OR: Kelly Bear Press, Inc.
